More orthographic errors than necessary

When my grandmother, an author, sent a manuscript to the Oxford University Press she got a bill back together with a note saying that there were more orthographic errors than usual. That is a polite way of saying my gran couldn't spell. Indeed she once tried to show a student, a Ugandan whose first language was not English, how to use a dictionary to look up the word "quarrel". She looked it up under k. So it is with humility that accept Francis's comment about my spelling of the word gym. I got it wrong. Sorry mate.

Returning to the gymn

I'll admit it. I used to be a regular at the local gymn but I think it must be a year or so since I last worked out and I am feeling the effects. Things I used to do with ease I have to strain to do. My muscles are feeling flabbier than I'd care to admit. There are plenty of ladies with ampler figures than me in King's Lynn. You can't miss them. They wander round in shoulderless tops, their flab going wibbly wobbly just like a jelly. I don't want to go to that extreme but oh my is it nice to lie in instead of bothering to the gymn.

My big excuse was that I had lost my membership card. The other day a mailshot came from my gymn Bodyworks. There was a telephone number. I rang up and discovered that all I had to do was turn up at Bodyworks and they would issue me with a new card. It was as simple as that. I brought along some passport photos but these weren't necessary as they had a digicam which took a photo which made me look like the poor gentleman in Edvard Munch's scream. Still I wasn't going to quarrel. The nice young lady arranged for me to be "reprogrammed" - her choice of verb not mine. She meant devise a new exercise program.

OK so now I'm worrying that I don't have the right kit. It is strange but King's Lynn sports shops don't seem to sell gear that you'd actually want to wear if you were doing a sport. At least I'd say that applies if you're female. Sports shops sell fashion ware but they don't sell kit in which you can get hot and sweaty. There is a dress code in the gymn. Your clothes don't have to be brand new. In fact it is better if they look used and faded. But you do need to wear trainer socks which I hate because they don't stay on my feet properly and become all runkled up inside my training shoes. Calf length trousers are obligatory for women that is unless you are going to clad yourself in skin tight scanty lycra. Tattoos are popular too...Maybe I'll forget about peer group pressure and fashion and turn up in my regular shorts and t-shirt.

Corpses, corpses everywhere

I remember how pleased I was when I planted up my front garden in the spring. I put in two rhododendrons, four heather plants and a bunch of pansies. Only the pansies survived. Today I began removing the casualties. I should have watered them but by the time I noticed the wilting leaves it was too late. This has been a particularly dry summer. I am not that an experienced gardener and I guess I will know for next time that plants need water. I will see if I can choose specimens that are more drought resistant. As if to rub it in it wasn't only the plants that were dying. There is the corpse of a dead bird in amongst the weeds.

How dumb can you get

Yesterday - the hottest day of the year so far - saw me walk head first into a lamppost. I was talking to another dog owner at the time and I was slightly wary as the dog was running loose on an extending lead right around my fee so I didn't see the lamp post. The first I knew of its presence was when there was a loud clang just as my head made contact. At first I just felt dizzy. This other woman was asking anxiously if I was ok. My head was ringing but even then I had to see the funny side of it. I didn't get a bump on my head and in a few moments my head resumed to normal functioning but today I was very wary of all dangerous lampposts.